Show Me Your Glory

It was my turn to drive so I got to choose what we listen to on the radio. I opened my YouTube and there was a Timothy Keller sermon about dealing with your anger. I knew immediately I needed to listen to it because recently I recognized that I am dealing with anger raging inside me. I struggled with knowing why this was there. It would hit me unexpectedly and I could feel it boiling inside me. I felt like I did not know me. I absolutely hated the moments when I felt it “eep” out of me. I would never allow it to unleash, but dealing with it was frustrating me. I was praying, repenting, and seeking God. I even asked a doctor, “Is this what menopause is like?” But, one day in my quiet time the LORD revealed it to me. I am grieving and one of the first stages of grief is anger. Ever since we moved my mom, Poddy, and Aunt Janie in I have felt the grief of knowing that I moved them here to help them die. It feels morbid even typing that, but I have talked with my mom about it, and she agreed it makes sense. So, I started giving myself permission a while back to feel my grief so it could be released and not pent up in me. 

As the road hummed along and my Greg slept, Timothy Keller said something that caught my attention profoundly. When Moses asked God to show him His glory, God revealed the truth that He was slow to anger. I thought, “Wait! What?” I could not stop thinking about this revelation because the word I am praying this year for me to be known for is glory. I am asking God to show me His glory so I can give His glory away like Jesus did. I had to go and study Moses’s conversation with God. It is found in Exodus 33 and 34.

When Moses asked God to show him His glory, God told Moses that he could not see it fully or he would die, but God would allow His presence to go before Moses and as He did, He would declare His name to Moses. He told Moses to go to a certain place to meet Him at the cleft of a rock and while God passed by showing His glory, God would cover Moses with His hand as He passed by. God would allow Moses then to see His back. I realized that Moses had a responsibility in seeing the glory of God. He had to go and present himself to God and seek Him.

As God passed before Moses the LORD declared, “I am the LORD, the LORD!” This repetition was to remind Moses that God is unchanging. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. It occurred to me that if we are to understand God, we must know His character. His character reveals His glory. So, what were the character traits that God felt the need to proclaim to Moses in this moment of glory revelation? Not only is God unchanging, but He is merciful—full of compassion. He is gracious—the One who gives us undeserving grace. 

The one that hit me the hardest was He is slow to anger! Yes! God wanted Moses to remember that He is slow to anger! I love that this is listed before God tells Moses that He is abounding in steadfast love—loyal and kind and faithful. As if these are not enough God then points out to Moses that He keeps His steadfast love for thousands by forgiving both iniquities (sin) and transgressions while still holding accountable the guilty or the ones that refuse righteousness—He keeps justice. I love that God made a point to point out the different types of sins that need forgiving. I recognize that He understands that each of us will battle with our own guilt and shame over these. God then pointed out to Moses that one of His names is The Jealous One. God is jealous for us. He is jealous to be in a relationship with us and does not want us to have any idols before Him. 

So, what does God’s glory look like?

 Unchanging, merciful, gracious, slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love, faithful, forgiving, just, and jealous. 

How did Moses respond? Moses immediately bowed and worshipped the LORD! He then asked God for His favor and forgiveness, but what caught me was Moses asked that he and his family be the inheritance of the LORD! He didn’t ask for an inheritance. He asked that he would be an inheritance! What is the point in knowing the glory of the LORD except to give it away? I was reminded of John 17 and how Jesus prayed, “You gave me Your glory and I have given Your glory away that they may know You!” The LORD revealed His character to Moses because it was what would enable Him to know Him. Granted we cannot know God fully now. We see dimly, but He will answer our cries and enable us to know Him. I am astounded that in this we have the privilege of ministering to God. It isn’t just about us taking from God, but about us ministering to Him, too. 

In this season, I needed to see if there are any other verses about being slow to anger and boy was, I surprised! I discovered that there is a Proverb that reminds us that it “makes good sense for one to be slow to anger because it is to his glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11). Notice that when I am slow to anger it is to my glory. Why? It reveals that the fruit of the Spirit of the LORD are at work in me. It reveals that I am able to control myself and be merciful full of compassion and gracious giving undeserved grace. This reveals that I have God at work in me and thereby shows off His glory in me. 

Yes! LORD, yes! Show me YOUR glory! And please allow the character traits that You revealed to Moses to be made known in me so that others may know Your glory through me. 

I don’t know which character trait you needed to hear about in order to catch a glimpse of God’s glory, but I imagine that one of them hits you profoundly if you are truly seeking to see His glory. Take a moment to be like Moses and present yourself before the LORD and invite Him to show you His glory but be ready that He will invite you to act on it. For me, it is begging Him to help me not sin in my season of anger as I grieve. 

I know that my mom is here now, and I am enjoying her fully, but it is so hard to let go and know I must say goodbye for a season at some point. My mom is one of my best friends along with my Greg. I want to bless her now be her inheritance for His glory. So, if you feel a little “eep” from me these days would you be so kind to show me His glory in you to help me along my way? 

Shalom y’all.

Confessions of Anger

Have you ever had one of those moments when as soon as it was rolling out of you, you knew you had walked out of love? Now, I am not talking about being loving. I am talking about the kind of moment when you know you are losing a grip on what you know to be good, holy, right, true, and quite simply kind! Suddenly, without warning you find yourself knee deep in offense and whether you say anything or not your heart is no longer walking in love. And if you do say something you realize that if there was a video of you as a human it would depict a not so loving human. I had one of those ugly moments recently. I just snapped. Call it hormones, menopause, frustration, impatience or whatever you want, but it came out of me like a coke bottle that was about to explode. Just typing this embarrasses me. UGH! But, I would be a liar if I didn’t say I acted like this on occasion. I am so glad it doesn’t happen very often, but it happens. It is real in me. I am human. UGH! No, double ugh! I hate evil and I hate it most when it is in me. I found myself leaking tears for several days as I tried to process what in the mess was going on inside me. 

I have been praying for the LORD to give me much fruit in this season of my life. I do not want to waste time and I long to be fruitful. This moment of ugh did not match my prayer life. But, as I prayed and pondered my momentary madness, I realized I had stuffed A LOT! A LOT! And I needed to let some things go. Have you ever done that? I realized that in the attempt to act godly and not be offensive myself, I had allowed some occasions to be pushed down instead of grieving the pain that was caused me. I would tell myself, “Oh, I must forgive!” “Let it go!” “Move on and forget it!” But, the reality is my heart had been wounded and no attempt to reconcile had been made on my part or if it had it was handled in a cavalier, dismissal, or unkind way. It actually took someone being kind in the middle of a confusing moment for me to realize how much my heart had been wounded. 

How do I as a loving woman of God release it? How do I find healing when one of those that caused the pain died last year and one refuses to even dialogue and honestly if this person did the patterns have revealed that it best that we not engage. I know that I cannot change anyone. But, I have learned that the good LORD can change me. I soon realized that part of my prayer for bearing much fruit just happens to be that He wants to prune some pain in my heart. 

So, what is a girl to do? I knew I needed a day with GOD alone. I wanted to take the time to just list it all out and then just burn it. 

I love how GOD pours truth into us or even at us when we are in need of it. Our staff at ASM are working through the book, “Celebrations of Discipline” by Richard Foster as a team building activity for our staff meetings. I chose months ago to do submission and confession because I knew they were the ones I would like to grow in. LOL! Well, I discovered as I studied submission that if I am truly submitting then I am helping myself and those around me to be surrendered to the will of God. Well, guess what! In confession, Foster challenges the reader to take the time to write it all out on paper and take it to someone and confess it. I love it when God affirms something through another that you have planned to do. Foster reminds the reader that the gift of confession releases a dear friend because we become a reminder of God’s forgiveness. 

“If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained” (John 20:23). 

My girlfriend, Sabrina, used to call this being Jesus with skin on. There truly is something amazing that happens when we confess something and get it off our chest. Suddenly, we are not alone in our darkness. And when you add in someone that is holy and a good listener that wraps you in the cords of compassion and reminds you of the Father’s forgiveness, well, it is quite beautiful! 

I told Greg, “I am going to list out all the things that are stuffed inside me as anger and then burn it.” 

I am blessed because Greg listens even when he was the very one I dumped on! He did two things for me that were so good. Neither of us can handle us being in a fight for long. We will make up because we are a mess otherwise. After we both sat and stewed for quite a bit I said, “I am so sorry I just let you have it.” I will be honest I was sitting there thinking, “I don’t want to apologize! I still want to be mad because I am mad!” But, I also know that will not bring healing and movement so out of obedience to what I know is right and good I said it.

Then Greg said, “I forgive you!” There it was so simple. He forgave me. I felt it, too, the minute he said it. I confess I sat there for a moment and thought I don’t want to say, “I forgive you!” But, I made myself do it! “I forgive you!” He nodded and we still sat in silence. Sometimes, you just gotta sit in your mess and wait for the emotions to catch up with your obedience. And it did. 

I hate being ugly! I hate unkindness! I hate evil! And I will say this a thousand times over, I hate them most in me! So, I set a date on the calendar and I set the day aside to be holy. It was to be my day to sit and process it all with God. I had to release it more to Him than to a human. I needed a holy work done in me and I most definitely was not the person to make that happen. I just needed to fall flat on my face before GOD and just unleash. I had A LOT OF ANGER in me! You need to know it was not at one person, one event, or one thing. It was A LOT of people, places, and circumstances. I put on quiet jazz got out my spiral notebook. I did not want this in my beautiful journal. This was ugly and it was going to be BURNED! 

Did you know that in Hebrew the first person that the word repent was used to first describe as an action was GOD? Go look it up (Genesis 6:6). 

I once learned that the repent in this verse means leave the house, burn it up, and to never return. That is a little terrifying when you consider it was God who first repented! God regretted creating humans when He saw their wickedness. If that does not do something to your heart, then we need to have a serious conversation! I looked up on Youtube the Hebrew word for “repent” and a video came up titled “Five words you should pray in Hebrew.” So, I paused to watch the video. Here are the five words the video provided: 

Hallelujah means “Praise the LORD!” It honors His beauty, power, faithfulness. 

Teshuvah means “repent and return to God.” It surrenders to His forgiveness.  

Tsedek means upright behavior and wise actions. It reveals His righteousness.

Chesed means “loving kindness or mercy.” It reveals His beauty, grace, kindness, and generosity. 

 

Shalom means “peace.” It is meant to be a prayer and blessing. In our heart, life, and world. 

I immediately knew this was of God and that I must use these five words as the prayer pattern for my prayer time. So, I began to praise God for His beauty, power, and faithfulness. I kept this portion short. I wanted to honor Him, but for today I knew my longer portion was going to be in the Teshuvah. I began to write. I can write pretty tiny, and I kept writing and kept writing. I knew many of the things I was putting down I had already walked the path of repentance and forgiveness, but in case there was any lingering anger I wanted to give it over to God. I wrote until I could not write any more. Immediately, I felt my heart feel the tension unleash. I then began to write over and over all of it the five words. 

Then it was on my heart to write “You are forgiven. You are free!” This was a reminder that it is just as true for each person as it is for me. 

Then I wrote Jesus over and over. Honestly, there is nothing spiritual about what I was doing in writing the repetitive words. It was more for me to rewrite on my heart the truths that each one embodies, and it felt good to me. It isn’t something that should be considered a model, but more as a confession of what God walked me through on this precious journey of confessing anger. 

When I was all done, I sat and looked at my scribbled mess, and I wanted to create! I wanted to be able to paint a masterpiece for each of those five words. They are mine now. They are deeply embedded in my heart, mind, soul, and spirit as part of my prayer journey with the LORD. I feel as if they are His grand gift to me because I sought Him. He allowed me to find Him in words that brought me healing, power, and yes authority to release and unleash my pain and move more towards joy. I love that He immediately gave me visions for creativity. How like God to provide a creative vision after a time of holy confession. 

When Greg came home for lunch on the morning that I wrote my confessions of anger, I showed him my scribbled mess. He looked at me and said, “Why do you still have it? Go burn it! Do you feel better?” 

I have a good friend in my Greg. I am blessed. I told him I wanted him to see it and honestly, as I look at it, it is beautiful to me! If I did not confess it then I could not find release from it. It represented the gift of God’s beauty, power, forgiveness, grace, mercy, generosity, faithfulness, and peace to me. 

Have you ever been so burdened? It sure hurts. I am so sorry if you have your own pain, anger, or even sorrow that you bear. I wrote about my journey hoping that you might go to God in prayer and confess it and release it to Him. I pray you find joy and the gift of creative vision so that you may go and bear much fruit. I know I am much better for having done it and I know you will be, too! Shalom y’all! Tara 3/23/21😉

PS. I chose not to burn it. I have it tucked away in one of my Bibles. It became a visual reminder to me of the gift God gave me in this moment of exposure.