What is resilience? Do I have it?

You have heard of your Intelligent Quotient (IQ), Emotional Intelligence (EQ), and maybe even Cultural Intelligence (CQ), but what about your Resilient Intelligence (RQ)? What makes a person resilient? How does someone move through difficult circumstances and grow rather than shrink? Resilience is an essential component in the workforce and is a contributing factor to personal success. Did you know that resilience is learnable and achievable? What are key factors that will help you grow resilience? 

When I was asked to lead this session for UNMC and UNO’s GRIT series I immediately asked myself, “Do I have resilience? And when I realized that I do, I asked myself, Where and how did I develop resilience?” I have chosen four moments. I could choose others, but these four proved to be profound moments where I had to choose to move through or bounce back when I did not think I had the capacity to do so. On September 11, 1998, our home flooded in Tropical Storm Francis in Houston, Texas. Greg, Mikayla (our two-year-old) and six-month-pregnant-me along with two dogs had to escape through rapid moving flood waters. We left the cat. It was rescued in speed boat. Along with several other thousand people that day, we lost it all and had to begin the process of rebuilding. It took six months so our new born baby was technically born homeless. In October 2001, ENRON, the Fortune 500 company my husband worked for collapsed and we lost everything financially. We ended up being relocated to Omaha and had to rebuild a whole new community and financial base. On August 3, 2016 while on a leadership retreat with our Resident Assistant Team, I hit a tree while ziplining because my brakes didn’t work. I seriously injured all of the tendons and ligaments in my feet and ankles while crushing my heal pads of my feet. For the first time in my life, I felt what I thought was level 10 pain. I live with chronic pain from that injury even today. And on October 3, 2017, Grace University announced that it was closing. As the Dean of Women, I had to walk through eight months of grief helping the students and staff let go of our 75-year beloved institution. Each of these stories carry intense moments of deep learning and hard choices to push through when I thought I did not have the mental, emotional, social, or physical capacity to do so. But I learned that I am much stronger than I thought I was and that yes, I can move through to a better tomorrow and a better normal. Why? Because I am resilient!

So, what is resilience? Resilience can be defined as the bounce back factor in the face of difficult circumstances without engaging in dysfunctional behavior. Resilience is the ability to move through it and become better because of it. The crazy and amazing thing about resilience is that it is learnable, teachable, and possible for all people. And that with each step we take toward moving forward we strengthen our resilience! In many ways, resilience is caught more than taught in the hard moments of life. It is caught when we get up and take the next step. 

So, I find myself asking, What did I learn about resilience in these four moments? Honestly, I could never have walked the journey without my community of faith, family, friends, and yes, coworkers and students. As hard as it was to do, I learned to ask for help. After the shock wore off when I hit the tree, I had no choice. I could not stand on my own two feet by myself. I found that my students would carry me when I could not stand, literally! As I experienced their kindness in carrying me, I learned more about how to serve others in those moments than any other in my life. I can give stories from each of these moments where someone carried me. Through these moments of seeking help, I experienced in more profound way the power of love, sacrifice, and service. And that God truly is our help in our time of need and that with God all things are possible. Often His answers come through the hands and feet of those around us! Asking for help is not only a gift to ourselves, but it is to the other person because it allows them to walk in the blessing of serving you.

Another characteristic of resilience that I encountered was the power of being present in the moment even when it meant conflict, suffering and/or pain. I discovered that if I took the time to assess the situation and acknowledge what I was feeling and going through that I was better able to handle the moment. Acknowledging something makes it less scary. At times, I would just verbalize aloud what I was feeling. So, if I didn’t like me in the moment, I would just say it. This somehow helped me to pull it together. It helped me to center myself and be mindful of what I was going through. I had to learn to give myself grace and others as well. If I focused on what I could do in that moment and just take the next step, I would feel like I accomplished something. It gave me a sense of completion and accomplishment which made me feel like I was in control in what was perceived an uncontrollable situation.

I realize that this is not everyone’s story, but for me, I found that if I faithed it, I could make it! I found strength in God and the people of God. This means that even though I could not see what would be, if I stepped out in faith trusting that movement, healing, provision, and whatever I might need would happen that I became stronger. I started saying, “I am faithing forward!” I found ways to feed my soul with spiritual truths that encouraged my heart and mind. I found ways to share with others about my journey. This kept me from living in mental isolation. Which really helped me process and release a lot of stuff. I tried hard to think about how my husband might be feeling and how I could be his encouragement or how my students and colleagues were feeling so that I could serve them with better understanding. On the night that we flooded and lost it all, we were sleeping on a day bed in my parent’s guest room with our two dogs on the floor, the cat on the edge of the bed, our two-year-old wedged between us and I whispered to my husband, Greg, “Babe, we have all we need right here. I am content and we are going to be okay.” I meant it and it was true. Despite losing it all, we can now say that we are better having gone through it than if we had not. 

I could tell you about all the things that God taught me to release like pride, vanity, greed, materialism, and identity in things, positions, power, or influence. But that is another lesson. However, with resilience building I discovered that there were things that I needed to hold onto and things that I needed release. My self-talk was critical. I could beat myself up, tear down others, or remind myself of truths that brough positive outcomes. Two truths that I found myself embracing as I moved through these circumstances were “we will make it through” and that “I am stronger than I think.” I realized that normal is whatever I make it to be. If I take the time to set a rhythm into the routine, then I create a new normal. I am the one that determines what normal is for me, my family, and my work. This was huge! It made chaos comfortable and confusion settled. Why? Because I determined in my heart what the norm was and did not allow the circumstances to tell me otherwise. 

How are you being challenged right now to be resilient? What aspect of resilience have you already developed? Where might you need to grow or take the next step? Go ahead and faith forward and create your new normal by choosing to be in community, ask for help, focus on the moment, do what you can do, and live out good self-talk as you move forward! Shalom Y’all! 😉

Creation

This is my first Doodly creation! I thought it appropriate that I should try to tell the story of Creation! I hope you like it!

Why we should do Bible Engagement

Click on the link below to hear about how God showed me the importance of reading or listening to the Word of God.. 

Why we should do Bible Engagement

What I discovered about God in the story of Deborah and Barak

(Photo taken from https://rockpointechurch.org/deborah-barak/) 

I have always found the story of Deborah and Barak fascinating and a bit creepy when I consider that Jael pushed a tent stake through the king's temple! But when I reflect on GOD and how He works in our lives, I love that GOD provides us a story of a woman leader. It gives me comfort as a woman and as someone that wants to be a leader to see Deborah's example. Recently as I studied the story of Deborah and Barak, I reflected on what I learn about GOD in this passage and I am always surprised by what GOD reveals to me when I ask this question, What do I learn about God? I have provided below some of the truths I discovered about GOD. I especially love how GOD gave Deborah details of who to talk to, what will happen, and how He will work it out. 

Go read the passage and see what God reveals to you in Judges 4. 

Here is what I discovered! 

 1. What do I learn about God? 

     a. God knows when the Israelites do evil. 

     b. God hands Israel over to Jabin, King of Canaan. 

     c. God heard the cry of Israel when Israel cried out to God in their oppression. 

     d. God used Deborah, a woman, as a prophet, to judge and send messages. 

     e. God sent Deborah with a command in what to do. It included who and where! 

     f. God uses details when He sends messages. 

     g. God uses Deborah to lead Barak to lead the nation out into battle. 

     h. God routed Sisera at Barak’s advance.

     i. God waited for Barak to do what was commanded. 

     j. God subdued the King of Canaan, Jabin. 

    k. God caused mountains to quake when Deborah and Barak sang a song praising the LORD. 

    l. God uses people to help Him in battles. 

1. What to emphasize about God?

    a. God does NOT tolerate evil! 

    b. God knows our choices and releases us to our enemies when our choices are evil. 

    c. God releases us to our evil. 

    d. God hears our cry for help. 

    e. God sends prophets and messengers.

    f. God gives commands that need to be followed. 

    g. God uses women to lead. 

    h. God routes the enemy.

    i. God uses people to accomplish help! I find the story so encouraging. I do not need to fear evil and I can trust that GOD will route the enemy. Isn't that comforting! 

What blesses you about this story? 

As you read through what I discovered about God and what I thought was important to emphasize did you have anything that stood out to you as important? 

What made it significant to you? 

I know for myself each time I read through it I can apply it to different areas of my life. I confess that it is a little bit scary to know that God will release a person or a nation to their choices when they are evil. This has such great consequences for those around us. But, I have tremendous hope when I realize that GOD will send messengers, prophets, and leaders to do His work. We just need to be willing to obey when He does. I love that GOD uses people to accomplish His work. I love that you or I could be the one He chooses to use! Don't you! 

How can you pray this story into your life today? For me, it is that I listen to Him clearly and that I give the messages He asks and I do what He presents to me to do!

Put a mark on their foreheads

(Taken from art.thewalters.org)

"With them was a man clothed in linen who had a writing kit at his side. (Ezekiel 9:2b). 

The phrase "writing kit" caught my attention. Why was it so important to know he wore a horned inkwell about his waist? I immediately read anticipating the explanation for this unusual identifier. 

"Then the LORD called to the man clothed in linen who had the writing kit at his side and said to him, "Go throughout the city of Jerusalem and put a mark on the foreheads of those who grieve and lament over all the detestable things that are done in it" (Ezekiel 9:4). 

Oh dear! The next verse terrified me.

"As I listened, HE (the LORD Almighty) said to others, "Follow him throughout the city and kill without showing compassion..." (Ezekiel 9:5). 

(Taken from Dreamstime.com)

The one with the pen gave life. The one with the sword brought death. In this moment, the pen was mightier than the sword because it brought life not death. My mind went all over the place, but the first thing I must see is that God spares His children. This is a consistent storyline throughout the Bible. He spared Adam and Eve in the garden. He spared Cain and put a mark on him so no one could kill him. He spared Noah and his family for his righteousness. He spared anyone who put the blood of lamb on the door posts when Israel lived in Egypt on the night of the Passover.  You get the idea. God is for us. He searches the earth to and from looking for the one fully committed to Him (2 Chronicles 16:9).

So God seeks the one seeking Him,  but what about  us? What are we responsible for? If we believe in the LORD,  we will be appalled at unrighteousness and evil. In fact, we will hate it. This is not the kind of hate that wants to kill or destroy but the kind that comes from deep sorrow and grief because it knows there is a better way. We will hunger for the best in others and fight for righteousness. This is not about selfish gain or vain glory. So, the pen writes to bring life knowing once the sword is used the choice is gone.

Now don't get me wrong. I know the pen can bring death, too. I learned that as a child when I sent a note to a boy I liked. "I like you. Do you like me?" And he answered with big bold letters, "NO!" Written words hurt. They are painful. I later learned as an adult I should not write things down that are unkind. People can read them over and over. There is something devastating because the imprint of the visual sticks. So, I get it. The pen can hurt. And in some cases the pen is used to set about death, but the pen can choose to give life or death. And in this account the pen gave life to the righteous one.

In this passage, the pen wrote a mark. What was that mark? Listen to this quote in David Guzik's commentary, 

“There is a prophetic significance in the Hebrew word for the mark. It is the Hebrew letter T (Tau), which at that time was written as a cross. Without being superstitious we can rejoice in this anticipation of salvation through the death of Christ on the cross” (Wright) (https://www.blueletterbible.org/Comm/guzik_david/StudyGuide2017-Eze/Eze-9.cfm).

The life giver wrote a cross. The significance of the cross was that Jesus gave His life that we might have eternal life. Jesus died on the cross that we might have righteousness. When we are in pursuit of His righteousness, we will grieve the detestable things around us. So, what are the detestable things? I imagine you can give a long list, but I will give just one. Idolatry for one is a big one. This beast can manifest itself in so many ways that we often do not realize we are in its grip. I will let you consider the countless ways you see idolatry in our culture. Oh my. Father, forgive us! Personally, we must deal with our sin and this is when we can change our culture's detestable things. It starts with the one. 

So, today if the man with the linen clothes and a writing kit at his side were to come and mark you, would it be with a pen or would he step aside for the sword? Pursue righteousness at all costs and righteousness is found at the cross in the one who died as an innocent man to pay our debts that we might have the free gift of eternal life. 

Did you know that ants have resilient intelligence?

Did you know that in a flood fire ants will float as a community bonded together and they can stay this way for months? An ant can only stay under water for about 24 hours. For this reason, the floating ant colony is constantly shifting and moving so that no ant stays under water too long. If the ants stay together and hold onto one another they can survive. It is in their community bond that they develop resilience in the face of adversity. 

As I pondered the floating ant colony, I realized we can learn a few lessons from our fellow creatures in how to build resilience in our lives. I love how they interlink their legs and they just keep moving. It is when we turn to one another that we develop strength to be resilient to move through adversity. As we take time to listen and lift someone up as they share their story, we become what helps them to keep moving forward. 

I love the fact that ants do not let any ant stay under water too long. This makes me want to look around me and see in my community who needs to be lifted up. Who might need me to go down so they can go up for fresh air? 

If we seek to work together and help each other to keep moving to make sure that no one stays under water then we can keep each other from drowning in adverse situations. I love that the focus is on "us" not "me". The colony's survival is dependent on the survival of each ant. Fewer ants means greater exposure and vulnerability to predators or not enough in the colony to keep everyone above water. For an ant, isolation is dangerous. This is true for us as well. When left alone we are also vulnerable and at greater risk to predators and the elements. We need our community to process and find strength.

How can you build teamwork within your family, community, or work environment? What can you do to ensure that no person is left behind or underwater too long? What needs to happen with communication to check up on each other? How do you provide a safe place so that people feel that they can say, "Help, I am drowning?" Are you willing to move underwater for a period so someone else might move up to the surface? Can you trust those around you to provide a way for you to move out of the underwater conditions in a safe time? How can you assure those around you that you are willing to help them if they are underwater too long? 

The ants resilient strength is born in their community and willingness to move together and make a safe place for all in the colony. They are able to survive for long periods of time because they work together. Without each other, they will not survive and will be picked off by predators. What do you need to do to develop resilient intelligence like an ant?

Do you have Resilient Intelligence (RI)?

I was recently asked to speak on resilience. I wondered how the person who asked me to speak had come to the conclusion that I was a resilient person. I found myself asking myself, “Do I have resilience?” By definition, a person with resilience has the ability to bounce back in difficult circumstances. As I reflected on various life circumstances, it occurred to me that God has allowed me to face some very unique circumstances that reveal that I have the ability to bounce back. I realized I am a resilient person. One moment that wrought great havoc in our lives occurred when Tropical Storm Francis dumped 25 inches of water on Houston in less than an hour. Greg and I were sound asleep when the phone rang. When I picked it up my sister-in-law was frantic, “Get up and prepare! A tornado is coming toward our neighborhood!” We lived in the same subdivision, but in different city grids. It was 5:30 am in the morning and I was almost six months pregnant with Grant. Fast movement was not on my list of things to do at 5:30 am. Greg jumped up to go see what he could see, and he came back running into the room before I had fully stood up and said, “Forget the tornado! We are flooding! We need to get out of here!” Greg immediately started telling me what to gather. It was all very fast. I packed up a bag for Mikayla, who was two at the time, while Greg packed up important documents we would need. He had the forethought to place some files in the attic. 

We had just bought and had delivered a few days before our first pieces of real wood furniture. They were in the garage because Greg was in the process of staining them. I do not know how, but the two of us lifted them onto sawhorses so they would not be standing in the water. One hour later when Greg went to open the door, it was already two feet high outside. We realized that we couldn’t open our door without flooding our home. He ran and flipped off the circuit breaker so that we wouldn’t risk getting electrocuted and we called our neighbors to get them up. We had two dogs and a cat. There was no way we could manage all of them, but we had two floaties and a little life preserver my mom had just bought for Mikayla that summer. So, Greg climbed through the window and held the floaties as I passed the dogs and Mikayla through. Somehow, I hefted myself up over the ledge and out the window. 

At this point, the water was now waste deep. Greg carried all of the bags while I carried Mikayla. We had the two dogs laying perfectly still on the floaties between us as we began our journey of wading out to safe ground. We had no idea how far we would have to go, but we hoped to make it to our family that lived in different sections of the subdivision. It was so surreal. Mikayla kept crying, “Swim! Mommy, swim!” We passed by neighbors that refused to leave. I started to cry when I saw Samantha in her diaper looking out the window at us crying. I wondered, “Will I ever see her again?” We kept walking. We discovered that fire ant mounds were floating toward us and we had to dodge them. It was the craziest thing. They were fully intact and flowing rapidly with the water. We were very alert to the debris, tree branches, and the possibility of snakes because we lived right off the bayou. Fortunately, for us as we approached my parents house about eight city blocks away the water was only up to their front porch. It had not reached the inside of the house. When it was all said and done our house filled up on the inside about two feet deep with sewer and mud. And yes, we had a few surprise moments with snakes. Anything the water touched was destroyed. Our cat was rescued by a speed boat and we found ourselves to be homeless and very uncertain about what tomorrow would entail. 

What held me together? What held us together? How were we able to bounce back? It was a devasting time. Our neighborhood looked like a war zone. All but three families on our street ended up divorced because the journey of returning to normal was more than they could push through. The ability to push through starts in our thoughts. It was our faith in God and the truth that God uses all things for our good when we are in Christ Jesus that gave me hope when it seemed so bleak. I immediately started praying and asking God what He wanted from us in this moment. I remembered the that the God of all comfort and compassion will pour into you so that you can pour that same comfort and compassion into others (2 Corinthians 1:3-11). So, I asked God to show us how to pour out His comfort and compassion to others. I also started praying and asking God to show me how to give Him glory through this and how to give Greg glory. These were the core spiritual truths that made me strong inside when I felt very weak. I held onto them and believed them to be true. Some might call this positivity, but I call it faith walking. I believe that my faith walking made me resilient. 

The other thing that made us resilient was our family. When we were wading out, we knew that if we could get to our family, we would be safe. We knew our family would take care of us and help us through this even if they were going through it too! Fortunately, we were the only ones in our family of four families that lived in that subdivision that flooded. Our family carried us. We knew if we could get to them, we would not sink. It was our family community that made us strong when we were weak. Our lives were filled with hard labor for many weeks and lots of rebuilding for nearly seven months. In that time our family housed us, fed us, helped us, did laundry, hauled garbage, packed up items that were salvageable and comforted us. And when little Grant was born everyone took turns caring for the baby. 

That first night as Greg and I lay in bed with our two-year-old snuggled up sleeping and our baby nestled deeply in my womb, I whispered to Greg, “Babe, we have all we need. I could not be more content than I am right now. We are together and we are safe. We are going to be okay.” I believe without a doubt that another reason I stayed resilient was because I made a conscious choice to think from Greg’s perspective and other peoples perspectives of what they must be going through and this caused me to want to serve others. I made a choice to find ways to help others. Greg found ways to help others, too. So, when our church started showing up to help us, we started sharing people to our neighbor’s homes so that they had help, too. This gave us a sense of purpose and healing. It helped build our hope because we were able to get outside of our own pain and consider another’s pain. This grew a spirit of thankfulness and gratitude in us for others and each other. We discovered the gift of gratitude. 

Resilience is something that we all want, but the reality is that resilience is not something you even know you have until you are pushed beyond your limits and discover you must find a way to bounce back and push through. I remember walking into church two days later to give a testimony for an event coming up called, Friend Day and thinking, “No one in the church knows that my life had changed. I am not who I was when I was asked to share this story, but I will not disappoint them. It doesn’t matter what I have just been through, I have a chance to encourage my church to become a people that seeks to build friendships with someone different than them.” I wanted my church body to see that I was still able to see the value in being a good friend to those around me even when I was hurting. I look back now and realize that if I could have put a word to it that day, resilience would have been a good word to describe what I hoped to model. 

Resilience is born in adversity. It receives its ability to bounce back through faith. It is empowered by community to push through and emboldened by serving others to keep moving forward. Resilience is forged in the battlefield of the mind. It does not allow itself to settle for being a victim or a whiner. It makes the choice to seek God, live in community, and serve others even when it hurts. Resilience when practiced births the gift of gratitude and thanksgiving. Resilience finds hope and pursues hope at all costs, and this is why it has bounce back strength. Adversity grows our resilient intelligence. Do you have RI? Are you willing to pray for it and ask God to grow you?