How to have an evergreen marriage, Part 2

The season of winter in marriage is the season we do not want to enter because it is where the roots of bitterness start to take hold and we find ourselves dwelling on all the wrong things. We are no longer thinking well of our spouse and seeking their benefit. We find ourselves dwelling on unresolved conflicts, frustrations, or even poor story patterns that are hurting our relationship. It is critical in this season for us to seek help. This is where it is important to surround yourself with wise godly counsel with family, friends, church leaders, and even counselors when needed. It is also wise that if you have not already incorporated this in your life before you should start prayer journaling scripture over your marriage. 

I remember in one of our winter seasons when we were newlyweds, I started prayer journaling through Colossians 3 and 1 Corinthians 13 over my marriage. Our circumstances did not change, but my heart did! 

 We do not have to stay in winter for long if we work at being transformed by the renewing of our mind (Romans 12:2) and dying to self (John 3:3). Early in our marriage, I remember a season after having two children when Greg was traveling a lot for work. I felt so distant and disconnected from him. One evening, I walked into the kitchen when he was doing the dishes. I was so messed up in my head that instead of being thankful for him helping in the kitchen I immediately snapped at him because I felt guilty that the dishes weren’t done. Because we had not connected emotionally or even physically for a while I was allowing a bad thought pattern to roll around in my head. I don’t even remember the poor story pattern was at the time. But, after snapping at him, I stomped off outside and sat on our porch swing and while forcing the swing in an aggressive sway I began to gripe and complain to God. I honestly do not know how I was able to hear the voice of God because my internal screaming was at an all-time high, but in His sweet and sovereign grace He allowed me to hear His voice and I heard, “Tara, you must die to self. You are only thinking about you and not Greg. Stop talking to me about Greg. I only deal with you when it comes to sin when I am talking to you. I will talk to Greg about his stuff.” And then God graciously revealed to me my sin in the situation. I was so convicted. It was at this moment that I realized that what I choose to allow in my thought life, words, and actions can cause us to go into a winter season. 

In many ways, entering winter is our own selfish actions that cause us to walk into that cold. God wants to work in us to do all we can to guard our heart, mind, soul, and spirit. When I am willing to let God do this work in me, I can become a protector of our marriage and not allow any bitter roots to take hold by giving grace, mercy, and forgiveness freely as I receive it. Doing this enabled us to move into summer much more gracefully. It is crazy amazing how fast this transition can happen!

I remember clearly one moment when Greg and I were in an argument and both of us were fighting to be right. I remembered that our pastor had once said that sometimes the best thing you can do is just allow the other person to be right even when you know you are right. So, I decided to do it. I simply said, “You are right. I am wrong. Will you forgive me?” I was so surprised when Greg paused and looked at me with a kinder look and said, “I am sorry. Will you forgive me?” We instantly hugged each other and peace was restored. It was so fast because both of our hearts were willing to humble ourselves before the other. I remember in that moment having the most incredible swell of love for Greg because I saw a spirit of humility rise in him. If I felt that for him, I hoped that he also felt the same for me. I believe his actions soon showed it!