How to have an evergreen marriage, Part 3

Summer is the best season of all. I realize that those in the spring season might disagree, but there is something so beautiful about having gone through the seasons and finally reaching summer together. History is how our stories are created. History is what shapes us and gives us depth of understanding. Our history of making it through a tough winter or hard fall season reveals to us our strength of enduring and standing strong regardless of what was brought before us. In the summer season of marriage, we have learned how to communicate reliably with our words and with our micro-expressions that no one else will understand. Summer is when we feel secure and satisfied in our partner celebrating both their good and bad. We can even laugh at each other’s quirks and find joy in knowing and being known. 

There is one thing I have realized that I must do if I want to remain in the summer season. We must continuously be aware of what the Song of Solomon refers to as “taking care of the little foxes” (2:15). Foxes are known to wreak havoc to a garden if not dealt with. The little foxes in marriage are bad attitudes, moments of disrespect with tone, not thinking the best of our spouse in a situation, or not daily finding ways to celebrate them as a person in the mundane. The more aware we are of the little foxes and take care of them, we will better guard the length of our summer. I would also like to suggest that taking care of the little foxes will also prolong your spring or shorten your fall and winter season. 

After thirty-four years of marriage, Greg and I have gone through the seasons both rapidly and slowly. It was the choice to choose love and service that pulled us through. Recently, as we were going about our day, I realized that our highs and lows have made us more one because it is our story. Our story has not been easy, but it is ours. Our daily choices to be respectful or just be with each other in the pain of circumstances have made us stronger. 

Early in our marriage we heard that most couples go through a major life crisis within their first ten years of marriage. We laughed hard when we heard this because God took us through seven years of intense trials in our first years of marriage. Four of them were downright painful. One of the struggles we faced included being told we couldn’t have children. This devastated me. Greg reminded me that God will give us children if He wants us to have children. He was right. God blessed us after five years of praying and waiting. I always worry about sharing this one because I have dear friends that have not moved to the blessing yet. In our seventh year of marriage when Mikayla was a toddler and we were pregnant with Grant we lost everything to a flood caused by Tropical Storm Francis. Overnight, we became homeless with one child, pregnant with a second child, two dogs, and a cat. We had to face the daunting task of rebuilding our home while trying to find some semblance of familial rhythm. I remember walking into church the Sunday after our lives drastically changed thinking, “No one here knows what we have been through or how our lives have flipped upside down!” As God would have it, on that Sunday I was expected to stand up at church and give a testimony. Somehow by God’s grace I did, and I did it without crying or telling them what had happened to us. When I walked off the stage Beth Moore came up to me and said, “Do not stop speaking! You speak with authority! God has His hand on you!” She has no idea how I held onto that word of encouragement through the years or how much it meant to me on that particular Sunday of grief. 

When Grant was barely a toddler, we discovered my mom had a rare form of non nodgkins lymphoma that only eight people in the US had survived past five years. I wailed! Greg had to figure out how to handle me and my mom processing this form of grief. Oh my! My mom is now well over 20 years in remission and lives with us as we minister to her as she faces a lung disease and the loss of her husband of 48 years. Literally, at the same time we faced my mom’s battle with cancer, Greg’s company, ENRON, collapsed and we lost all of our financial security and savings. We was relocated to Nebraska from Texas, so we lost all of our family, friends, and church connections. This caused Greg to go into circumstantial depression. I felt like we were being hit from every angle in our lives. Leaving my mom behind in Texas was excruciating. I didn’t like her facing cancer without us. Starting over in Nebraska was so hard. I wondered if we would ever know the depth of fellowship we had in Texas. 

These very things that hit us hard in our seasons of marriage are the very things that God has used to make us resilient like the evergreen tree. We committed to making choices to love, honor, and obey the LORD and one another through it all. It was not easy, but the fruit born from it matured us and made us grow stronger. As I reflect, I am in awe of all God did in us. We really needed to mature in Christ, and this was the path He allowed us to walk. I am so thankful now for those years because God has used them in so many ways to allow us to love and serve others. So, now when we face a new season, we know we can keep growing through it all. He is faithful and we see to be faithful ourselves! 

Summer is when you have passed through the seasons and found you are content to be together as you weather the seasons because you know you are better together as you go through them than if you were alone!

I am not longer using a Bible app in church

Sarah and I were talking about worship and our preferences for singing or not singing. I often prefer to listen because it is more worshipful for me. Then I said, "If a church were to provide tables and art supplies during worship I would be at the table drawing what God was speaking to me." I see images in my mind's eye when I worship. 

There is something about picking up the pen and simply drawing that causes my entire being to calm down and listen. My Bibles are always filled with notes and lots of drawings, etc.

I then thought, "So, why am I using my Bible app in my phone?" I love it when I read something in my Bible and I may not remember the book chapter or verse but I can flip and find it because a memory map remembers the space it was centered on the page. My minds eye remembers the image.

So, I bought a new Bible. I am going to stop using my phone app that robs me of the mental memory map and go back to drawing in my Bible during the worship service. 

I love a new Bible. It is like the new year. It brings anticipation and adventure. Growth. Revelation. Yes, I am filled with anticipation. 

So, if my head is down and my hands are doodling it isn't because I am not listening. It is because this is how I listen best. 

I am so excited!

How to have an evergreen marriage, Part 2

The season of winter in marriage is the season we do not want to enter because it is where the roots of bitterness start to take hold and we find ourselves dwelling on all the wrong things. We are no longer thinking well of our spouse and seeking their benefit. We find ourselves dwelling on unresolved conflicts, frustrations, or even poor story patterns that are hurting our relationship. It is critical in this season for us to seek help. This is where it is important to surround yourself with wise godly counsel with family, friends, church leaders, and even counselors when needed. It is also wise that if you have not already incorporated this in your life before you should start prayer journaling scripture over your marriage. 

I remember in one of our winter seasons when we were newlyweds, I started prayer journaling through Colossians 3 and 1 Corinthians 13 over my marriage. Our circumstances did not change, but my heart did! 

 We do not have to stay in winter for long if we work at being transformed by the renewing of our mind (Romans 12:2) and dying to self (John 3:3). Early in our marriage, I remember a season after having two children when Greg was traveling a lot for work. I felt so distant and disconnected from him. One evening, I walked into the kitchen when he was doing the dishes. I was so messed up in my head that instead of being thankful for him helping in the kitchen I immediately snapped at him because I felt guilty that the dishes weren’t done. Because we had not connected emotionally or even physically for a while I was allowing a bad thought pattern to roll around in my head. I don’t even remember the poor story pattern was at the time. But, after snapping at him, I stomped off outside and sat on our porch swing and while forcing the swing in an aggressive sway I began to gripe and complain to God. I honestly do not know how I was able to hear the voice of God because my internal screaming was at an all-time high, but in His sweet and sovereign grace He allowed me to hear His voice and I heard, “Tara, you must die to self. You are only thinking about you and not Greg. Stop talking to me about Greg. I only deal with you when it comes to sin when I am talking to you. I will talk to Greg about his stuff.” And then God graciously revealed to me my sin in the situation. I was so convicted. It was at this moment that I realized that what I choose to allow in my thought life, words, and actions can cause us to go into a winter season. 

In many ways, entering winter is our own selfish actions that cause us to walk into that cold. God wants to work in us to do all we can to guard our heart, mind, soul, and spirit. When I am willing to let God do this work in me, I can become a protector of our marriage and not allow any bitter roots to take hold by giving grace, mercy, and forgiveness freely as I receive it. Doing this enabled us to move into summer much more gracefully. It is crazy amazing how fast this transition can happen!

I remember clearly one moment when Greg and I were in an argument and both of us were fighting to be right. I remembered that our pastor had once said that sometimes the best thing you can do is just allow the other person to be right even when you know you are right. So, I decided to do it. I simply said, “You are right. I am wrong. Will you forgive me?” I was so surprised when Greg paused and looked at me with a kinder look and said, “I am sorry. Will you forgive me?” We instantly hugged each other and peace was restored. It was so fast because both of our hearts were willing to humble ourselves before the other. I remember in that moment having the most incredible swell of love for Greg because I saw a spirit of humility rise in him. If I felt that for him, I hoped that he also felt the same for me. I believe his actions soon showed it!

How to have an evergreen marriage

When Greg and I walk through the park by our house, there is a blue spruce that was planted two years ago that we walk past. I love this blue spruce so much. The tips of its branches show its growth through a lighter green blue waxy color. It just captivates me. Recently, Pastor Phurba asked Greg and I to come lead a marriage conference for his church, New Life Bhutanese Nepali Church and as we walked by the tree as the sun was setting, I had the thought. “I love evergreens! They stay green all year long.” I think this is why I love them so much. I then had the thought, “What if we call the conference, How to have an evergreen marriage?” Just like evergreens, there are certain things we can do to help our marriages stay evergreen through the different seasons. 

I remembered that Dr. Gary Chapman taught a series on the four seasons of marriage. He wasn’t the first person I heard describe marriage in the four seasons, but it is the one I remembered. I will provide a basic summary of what I recall from his videos on YouTube and book. So, I decided to use his four seasons of marriage and the things I learned about evergreen trees and why they stay evergreen through the seasons to set up our conference.

Dr. Chapman starts his series of Seasons of Marriage with winter because he says that most couples show up in their winter season for counseling. But for our purposes, I want us to start with the season of spring because this is where most couples begin their relationship—SPRING! Oh, the season of spring is so glorious. You remember the wonder of it. It is filled with excitement and discovery as you begin to get to know each other. Your heart is open and full of optimism. Communication is so easy and flows without effort. Both of you delight in connectedness and communication. 

This season is often considered the honeymoon phase. It is so much fun to watch and yes, it is a little bit sickening to watch, too! Greg and I laugh all the time when we are with our daughter and son-in-love. They are young newlyweds and whenever we are together, they are so excited about their love that when we ask them a question, they will stare at each other as they answer and not even look at us. It is hilarious! Spring is simply glorious! I started here because I want couples to remember their story and the incredible glow of spring! 

The crazy cycle of marriage does not allow us to grow neatly through the seasons. They are not linear or orderly for that matter. We can be in the moment of spring and suddenly find ourselves in fall. Wait, what? How is it that spring moves so quickly to fall? What about summer? Well, with marriage it happens. It happens when we allow relationship drift to creep in. We stop communicating and we feel less connected. We might discover that we pursue things that fill our love tank, but not our spouses and suddenly we realize that we are both doing things, but they are not together. This is a critical time in our relationship because if we do not stop and find ways to connect, relate, and communicate deeper truths, we will find that our spouse can quickly become more like a stranger than our lover. We do not want to allow ourselves to drift too far into fall. If we do, we will find winter soon approaching with its cold isolation. 

The only reason I am able to write this out is because we as a couple know this reality so well. Early on in our marriage Greg would travel for training and I had to stay home with the kids. I really struggled in this season because I felt so alone and isolated in parenting. It was so hard for me to not be angry at Greg when he returned because I was envious of him traveling. The irony of it is that Greg didn’t like traveling. He was envious that I got to stay home and just be with the kids. We had to work hard to communicate and not fight during this season.

Peace as our Protector

Recently, I had this overwhelming anxiety that was robbing me of my peace. You know the kind you cannot define but you feel it in your chest and nothing seems right. I don't know if it was because of grief or because the schedule has been intensely full lately, but I felt the grip that wanted to rob me of peace. 

As I taught on prayer in Luke 11, God kept whispering to me ASK, SEEK, KNOCK. Do not stop! Walk by faith in me. So I found myself on repeat. ASK, SEEK, KNOCK. 

I then heard this short phrase, "Peace is your protector" on a prayer video. This sent me on a search. I spent a couple of days just looking up peace verses. 

Sometimes, I feel like peace is elusive like I know I am supposed to have it but at times I catch myself lacking it. But here is the deal. Peace is a gift. It has already been given to us. Peace is always with us if we are in Christ because He is the Prince of Peace (Is. 9:6). He promised the disciples, "Peace, I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid (John 14:12). 

Essentially, I am a peace walking person. By this I mean my heart, mind, soul, and spirit carry peace within them because I am His. 

So what am I to do when I realize that I am not walking in peace or giving peace as I walk about my day?

A few verses showed me that I have a part in being peace as a protector. 

I must choose to focus my heart and mind upon Jesus. We are promised that "He will keep in perfect peace those whose eyes are kept on Him" (Is. 26:3). Perfect peace is "Shalom, shalom" in Hebrew. I love the repetition because it feels like a double portion of peace. But it literally means that we remain steadfast and calm despite the storm or circumstances we are going through. Our focus and trust is on Him and Him alone. It is His work and not our own moving in and through it all. 

Peace.

This is when we experience and know the peace of God, which transcends all understanding as it guards our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:7). Do you see the word guard? This is active, continous, on going like a soldier standing watch at the city gate, but in this case it is God being vigilant as our heart and mind guard. 

Peace.

A simple conversation will fly from my lips in these moments when I realize I am not a peace protector. "Hey, God! I know You are there! I am anxious. I don't know why. Help me to see Your perfect peace and know the mystery of its protection."

In practice, I am trying to live out Exodus 14:14, "The LORD will fight for you, and shall hold your peace." 

Say this next line nice and slow.

God, Almighty, will fight for you. 

Now repeat it again.

This literally means that He will devour, eat, prevail, war, do battle, and consume what is against you. Oh my!

Peace.

Now here is the grip or hold that we must take. Be still. Let go. Be quiet. Yes, silent. We do not have to fight it. The LORD will fight for us as we stay silent. 

I don't know about you, but I am a fighter. I have words. So many words. But, here I am reminded the battle is not mine. It is His. It is about letting go and letting God do His thing. I just need to surrender to the mystery and gift of peace as my protector. 

Peace guards our hearts and minds. It is our mental armor and heart guard.

We are promised that God will fight for us or atleast that is a promise He made to Israel as they fled Egypt and if God will do this for one group, He will do it for another. This type of fighting for you is considered all consuming. 

Our role is to just be silent. Be still. Or to say it another way, we are to cut and engrave Him in our heart and mind as our focus. Not all that other stuff we are thinking on. It is about trust that God has got you! 

Let go of that stinking thinking!

Open the gift of peace. It is quite simple: look to the Prince of Peace. Call upon Him to save you or speak into the situation. Then rest as you watch and are amazed at how His peace surprises you with a mystery that cannot be explained, and soon it will be experienced with certainty.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you" (2 Cor. 13:1).

Peace is our Protector!  

Shalom, Shalom! 

Human Praying Tree

My human praying tree! God gave me this drawing during a prayer retreat. I rendered the pencil sketch I made. 

Shameless Audacity: Lord, teach us to pray! (Luke 11:1)

"LORD, teach us to pray!" (Luke 11:1).

I remember the first time I read this verse and thought, "Well, if the LORD can teach them to pray. He can teach me, too."

I started boldly and confidently asking God in my young 20's to teach me how to pray. Honestly, I was a broken mess, but I wanted to honor God and do His will.

Today, as I study this passage about the disciples learning how to pray, I am caught by the phrase "shameless audacity in the NIV." 

When I look at the order of what Jesus said about prayer, I notice two things I must never forget.  Prayer starts with worship and a kingdom mindset. We must get this right!  

Worship Him! 

       Our Father, holy is Your Name.

Kingdom Mindset! 

       Your kingdom come, Your will be done.

THEN our bold confidence can be shameless and audacious because it first begins with the right mindset. 

Shameless audacity has been translated in so many ways...

Persistent

Impudence

Importunity

The Bible Stock Exchange suggests that this type of prayer is willing to disturb the peace. It ignores the cultural consideration and puts our friends and neighbors in the awkward situation of having to save face. 

The cool part is that with God, I can go without shame with this boldness because HE LOVES TO GIVE GOOD GIFTS and THE HOLY SPIRIT.

Again, here is the crux. This is not for us to get what we want. Prayer is a relationship that is full of worship and kingdom mindedness. Then it flows from a holy mindset.  We will discover that what we need to talk about will have the good and pleasing will of God. It will be full of forgiveness, repentance, and a righteous pursuit. This becomes the most important sustenance and nourishment for our daily bread.

Yes, LORD, TEACH US TO PRAY! Show us how to approach You with shameless audacity that is actively seeking You to receive and know Your good and perfect will. In Jesus' name, amen